No man wants to be insecure…let alone admit that he’s vulnerable. We will do almost anything to avoid feeling anxious, even lying to ourselves at times. In fact, some men will read this blog post and become angry. It’s a given. I get it, I’m a man, and I often react the same way.
Anecdotally it seems that most couples begin the lifestyle looking for a unicorn. Threesome porn is often beautiful. A lot of women have bi-curious tendencies, and even straight women usually like the idea of doing something “dirty” for their man. So they begin their non-monogamy journey looking for a unicorn. When asked, a couple will tell you with 100% sincerity, “we are both looking for a woman, neither of us has any interest in another man.”
What’s so often hidden under this statement is insecurity. Most of the time the man has concerns about seeing his wife or girlfriend with another man, and women can sense this insecurity. Women can often sense this insecurity even when the man cannot. When a woman in that situation says that shes’ not interested in another man, she’s being sincere. She values her own relationship infinitely more than some theoretical new cock. Usually, it seems that she knows him better than he knows himself, and she just doesn’t think it’s a good idea to fuck another man in front of him.
Over time couples figure out that single women are in short supply. They may also find out that introducing a single into their marriage or relationship can quickly become dramatic for either them or the unicorn. Probably both. Mostly they simply grow more comfortable with couples they meet in the swinger lifestyle and the idea of sex with another man.
Even Transitioning to Swapping Isn’t Always Easy
Even men who think they are ready to see their significant other fuck another man sometimes are not. I’ve overheard several men, clearly upset with their wife or girlfriend saying something like:
“how come you never look at me that way?”
“why don’t you kiss me like that?
“I’ve never seen you do that before?”
When we are new, we often want our significant other to enjoy sex with another person but not too much.
The nuclear reaction of anxiety for a man is when it’s his first swap, and he suddenly realizes his cock isn’t going to work. He feels like his wife or girlfriend could fix this problem if she’d come to pay it some attention, but she hasn’t even noticed because she’s so lost in the lust of another man. That combination of realizing your own weaknesses while simultaneously realizing your wife’s own independent sexual desires can cause even some mild-mannered men to behave in ways they later regret. (link) It’s why we’ve been pushing Bluechew so hard, it can completely eliminate this almost inevitable problem. (link)
Some couples quit the lifestyle at about this point, which seems like such a shame to me. They’ve already ripped off the bandaid of monogamy, which can never wholly be put back on. So why not stick with it and work through some of these insecurities, which almost always go away as quickly as they came about.
After a while, the fear and anxiety are replaced by confidence. Seeing the love of your life flirt with another man. To know that she cannot take her eyes off of him, to see her kiss him with genuine passion, to watch her sink to her knees on the dance floor and suck his cock without even realizing what she’s doing…are all things that you begin to dream about. It takes time, it’s an evolution…but it happens to almost every man.
From only wanting a unicorn because deep down you feared your wife or girlfriend’s desires, to wanting nothing more than to fulfill her wishes, and to help her realize ones she didn’t even know she had. It’s a complete 180 degrees, and for most people it takes years. Those years will have both fantastic evenings and probably some of the worst of your relationship.
I realize this blog post will ruffle some feathers. There will be men new to the lifestyle, or somewhere in the middle who will become angry that anyone suggested they are sometimes insecure. So I’ll leave you with this example from our relationship.
It’s Happened to Me
Years ago, a couple convinced us to swap threesomes. Basically, my wife would spend the evening with them, and then the following weekend the “favor” (for lack of a better word) would be returned. I was 100% on board and excited, I even helped Mrs. figure out what to wear. She left, and I settled in to watch some television. Strangely I found myself feeling spiteful. I was texting “questions” that had a lot of aggression to them, and I essentially ruined their evening. Never in a million years did I expect to behave that way. I was so excited about their evening. But we don’t always react to things the way we hope, especially when we are new.