There is a well-known saying among people who discuss and study seduction, “always be escalating.” The idea is that you’re continuously, and slowly, raising the level of verbal and physical seduction to go from “hello” to sex.

At first glance this might sound creepy, but let’s not confuse this with the single guy at the dance club who started off touching your hand, and two-seconds later tried to shove his tongue down your throat. No, this is systematic, thoughtful and caring if done correctly.

I’m sure we’ve all been involved in a conversation with a couple and all four people are secretly wondering, “are they into us?” Or maybe you’ve been talking with a couple and you think this interaction may eventually lead to sex, but ultimately they wander off at some point. Maybe, they leave to “get a drink” and never come back. “Always be escalating” can solve your problem.

So for example, after a little bit of small talk someone may ask, “so what are you looking for sexually tonight?” This gives you amazing information.

Maybe they only want to bang each other?

Maybe she’s on her period and they are just there for conversation?

Just as importantly as the information, it’s escalated the situation from discussing the drive, the weather, the music or whatever…to discussing sex. You’ve escalated it.

Next, after discussing sex for a few minutes you may ask, “we think you two are really attractive, do you think there is potential here for a sexual connection?” Again, you’ve just escalated it from discussing theoretical sex to discussing sex between the four of you.

If it’s then established that you’re looking for the same things, and that the four of you find each other attractive, you can begin with some physical escalation. Here is where “explicit consent” can really help.

Explicit consent is simply asking for consent and waiting for a response. So instead of just leaning in to kiss someone and hoping they kiss you back, you ask, “may I kiss you” and wait for them to say, “yes” or “no” and respond accordingly. For some of you this may seem weird, but believe me, it works 100% of the time, and frankly it requires far less courage than the alternative. It’s easier to ask for a kiss, than just lean in and pray he/she is receptive.

It’s respectful. It’s required at YCP events. It’s easier. It may not be “normal,” but thats only because “normal” is being molested by inexperienced and intoxicated young men at vanilla bars/dance clubs, etc.

My wife and I went out a couple of weekends ago at an all-ages event and met a nice couple. We did the very things I described here, and when I asked her if I could touch her she was a little taken aback, but smiled and appreciated it. She said, “yes” and I touched her back. Later I asked if I could kiss her. She very readily said yes to that too.

I remember last summer there was a couple who had been flirting with us on Facebook, but when we were naked and in the pool together, the woman seemed cold. I kept thinking, “wow, she’s obviously not into me at all.” Not even a smile. Finally I just asked her, “do you find me attractive?” She said, “yes.” I then asked her if she wanted me to flirt with her. She smiled, for the first time, and said “of course!” Then I asked if I could touch her. Turns out, she was simply nervous. Once I forced her (by my question) to tell me if I should make a move or not, she almost immediately lost her anxiety. She went from someone who I would have sworn had no interest at all to a seductive sex goddess in half an hour.

If you’re feeling cock-blocked, or feeling like people aren’t picking up on your signals, try the ABC (always be escalating) system. It might feel like you’re moving too quickly, but as long as you’re using explicit consent you will not be. At least everyone will know relatively quickly what the point of the conversation is. If they don’t, they may well wander off because they don’t know what you want, or if you’re interested.


I blog for a few reasons. One is to simply add content to the website. My opinion doesn’t matter any more than anyone else’s. I’m not an expert on the lifestyle. We’ve been in the lifestyle for over a decade, host our own events, and have attended events nationwide. Yet human sexuality is a science and I don’t want to play expert without any formal training.

But when you’re blogging, you really have give your opinion. So this is mine…if you disagree, don’t sweat it and let it ruin your day. I’m just a dude with a keyboard, and I’m quite possibly wrong. LOL