Drama in the lifestyle…

I receive a message like this nearly every week. (paraphrasing several different, but similar statements)

“Hey man, sorry we haven’t been to the party in a while. We love it, and we miss it. However, we’ve been having some drama with another couple that attends. I don’t know when we will be back.”

Or

“Sorry we haven’t been in a while. We’d love to come again, but we are having issues with couple ABC. Can you ensure we won’t meet each other during speed dating? That would be so awkward it would ruin our night.”

This drama is so predictable. It’s a roadmap I see newbies follow continuously, but it always ends at the same location, and it’s not a fun one. It goes a little something like this.

Scenario 1. Swingers become polyamorous

Couple A meets Couple B at the club. They have sex. It’s amazing.

Couple A invites Couple B out the following weekend. They have sex. It’s amazing.

Couple A invites Couple B to a vanilla event. They have sex. It’s amazing.

Someone from Couple A starts texting someone from Couple B.

They start playing in separate bedrooms when they get together.

They start cuddling overnight.

Someone finally admits they love the other, the feeling is mutual.

Now the two couples are dating, but inevitably one man/woman combo is far more into it than the other.

Eventually one of the four has had enough and breaks the whole thing apart.

This often ends in divorce, but at the very least, they will never attend the party again for fear the other couple might be there.

Scenario 2. Swingers get too controlling

Couple A meets Couple B at the club. They have sex. It’s amazing.

Couple A invites Couple B out the following weekend. They have sex. It’s amazing.

Couple A invites Couple B to a vanilla event the following weekend. They have sex. It’s amazing.

Couple B begins to feel like Couple A owns them. They fear going to the club because Couple A will get upset if they do not play with them, and frankly they are getting bored and scared of Couple A.

Usually both couples leave the event at the same time.

We’ve had these exact same issues in the past. What helped us more than anything is making a rule that we wouldn’t have sex with the same couple consecutively without another experience with another couple in-between. So if we attend an event and hook up with a couple, and then see that same couple the next month we just tell them, “we had a great time with you two, but here is our rule….we would love to play again, but not right now.” So far, everyone has respected that.

If this is sounding really familiar to you?

#1. There is a really good chance the other couple also stopped attending YCP because of your combined drama, and you’ll never actually have to face them. So just register and attend.

#2. Even if they are there, you’ll small talk for two minutes, realize no one really cares and move on with your night. All four of you will feel ten times better about the situation.

Unless you’re a sociopath, feelings are inevitable. 

If you set off to be swingers, you have to actively work to avoid becoming polyamorous. There is nothing wrong with polyamory, if you want to be polyamorous. YCP has dozens of polyamorous couples! However, becoming polyamorous simply because you were bad at swinging (we’ve been there!), is a recipe for disaster.

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I blog for a few reasons. One is to simply add content to the website. My opinion doesn’t matter any more than anyone else’s. I’m not an expert on the lifestyle. We’ve been in the lifestyle for over a decade, host our own events, and have attended events nationwide. Yet human sexuality is a science and I don’t want to play expert without any formal training.

But when you’re blogging, you really have give your opinion. So this is mine…if you disagree, don’t sweat it and let it ruin your day. I’m just a dude with a keyboard, and I’m quite possibly wrong. LOL