Are you self-deprecating because it’s an easier mark to hit?

Last night we watched the pornographic film, “Barbara Broadcast.” As I watched, it made me reflect upon YCP, the swinging lifestyle, and myself.

Barbara Broadcast was the erotic movie of the year in 1977, with one reviewer writing, “Metzger’s work is known for its eye candy, and this film is no exception, with every frame looking like a perfectly composed piece of art.” I agree; we were delighted at how beautiful many of the shots were.

The movie made me think about the people presenting sex films seriously instead of crude or silly. This movie wasn’t like a modern-day 30-minute video about a stepsister stuck in the sink. Barbara Broadcast is a full 90-minute movie that someone spent months writing, having a composer create music, scouting out shooting locations, and hiring just the right actors and actresses.

There is a risk of embarrassment when you set out to present something seriously and miss the mark. For example, if a filmmaker can use a talented and experienced actress, she’s much more likely to authentically deliver the lines. On the other hand, if the filmmaker uses an inexperienced 19-year old cast because her tits are amazing and willing to do anal on film, she will present the lines so poorly that they become silly. Therefore starting with the goal of silliness is the safer plan.

In my own life, I think of dancing. For a long time, I would intentionally dance silly. That way, no one could say I was a lousy dancer because I wasn’t trying. In my mind, it was better to act like a goofball than a serious, yet awful, dancer.

Of course, there’s a downside to always being a clown. Most women in YCP are successful, smart, and sophisticated women. There may be times when they are looking for silly, but if you dive into women’s erotica, you’ll find that women do not fantasize about fucking the clown.

The romantic lead male is usually quite serious and knows who he is and what he wants.

The idea of seriousness and being afraid to fail brings me to dress. Over the years, I’ve noticed men downplay the importance of their appearance. Men will say outlandish things as a way to take the pressure off of themselves.

I’ve heard men say:

“My looks don’t matter.”
“She’s (his partner) the attractive one.”
“I’m the funny one, and she’s the hot one.”
“Even if I dressed up, I’d still be ugly.”

While this may feel self-sacrificing to those who say it, it feels toxic to me. To suggest that your appearance “doesn’t matter” is not only downplaying your partner’s sexuality, but it’s an outright assault on it.

In my opinion, men often dress casually because it feels safer. Just like the silly dancer, it feels safer not to try – than to try and fail.

I get it. The first time I had to wear a suit to a business function, I spent the entire time thinking:

“I bet this suit doesn’t fit.”
“Everyone thinks I look stupid.”
“Is this the appropriate jacket?”

Instead of filling me with confidence in the way nice clothing should, it had the opposite effect. Of course, it felt the same way the first time I approached a woman in a bar. The first time I asked for a raise, and every other first time I’ve ever done anything worth doing for the first time.

Since then, I’ve learned that it was a matter of fighting through that uncomfortableness, learning, and gaining confidence through experience.

It always feels more “comfortable” to quit and walk away, but few of us would teach our sons to live their lives that way.

There is a reason why most of us men always wear jeans, a baseball cap, and tennis shoes. That’s how we dressed growing up, and now it’s like a second skin. To go beyond that comfort zone will take intentional effort. Assuming most men have had similar struggles to me in the past, we’ve hired the manager of a menswear retailer in Chicago to give a menswear presentation.

Tentatively scheduled for Thursday, December 3rd at 9 pm. He will cover shoes, pants, sports coats, suits, tailoring, fit, and some other basics.

For example, “If you’re starting with nothing and have x-amount to spend, what should you get?”

You can go from “I’m clueless” to the “best-dressed man” in almost any room without much effort or money. It’s just a matter of having the basics and the confidence to wear them.

Believe me. There isn’t a woman who reads this who isn’t thinking, “Thank You!”